You may have been one of the lucky ones to have experienced “good enough” parenting as a child, where your physical and emotional needs were met.  Or maybe your childhood was stressful and uncertain, or even traumatic. For those of us who embark on the journey of parenthood, making sense of our past, integrating our memories, and creating a coherent and meaningful story of our upbringing, is crucial for effective parenting. 

For some, their recollections and reflections of their childhood is understood through a cohesive narrative or story, that is clear, relevant, logical, rational, congruent. For others, their narrative lacks information, is disjointed or confusing, and doesn’t make sense; in other words, it is incoherent. Attachment theory and research over many years, tells us that the cohesion of our adult narratives of childhood, predicts the quality of future attachment relationships. Our stories influence our parenting approach, emotions and behaviours, which in turn, contribute to the overall well-being of our children; the next generation.

To have a cohesive narrative of your life requires self-awareness and the ability to be self-reflective, and sometimes, it requires professional help.  But when we are able to explore and understand our own experiences,  we gain valuable insights into our emotions, motivations, and patterns of behavior. This self-awareness enables us to recognize how our past may influence our parenting decisions, and empowers us to make conscious choices based on a deeper understanding of ourselves. By examining the positive and negative aspects of our upbringing, we can identify areas for growth and improvement in our own parenting approach.

Here are some practical ways in which a cohesive narrative of our own childhood experiences,  contributes to effective parenting:

• Our childhood experiences play a pivotal role in shaping our values, beliefs, and attitudes. When we become parents, we naturally seek to pass on these principles to our children. A clear understanding of our childhood enables us to reflect on the values and beliefs instilled in us by our parents or caregivers and consider their relevance and impact on our own lives. We can then consciously choose which aspects to retain, modify, or discard, thereby shaping the values we want to impart to our children. By examining our story, we ensure that the transmission of values is a deliberate and intentional process.

• For those individuals who have experienced adverse or dysfunctional childhood environments, developing a cohesive narrative of our childhood provides an opportunity to break negative cycles or any unhealthy patterns of behaviour. By gaining insight into the patterns and behaviors that perpetuated dysfunction, we can consciously make choices to foster a healthier and more nurturing environment for our children.

• Understanding and constructing our story also enhances our ability to empathize with our children's experiences. By reflecting on our own childhood challenges, triumphs, and emotions, we develop a deeper understanding of the complexities of growing up. This empathy enables us to validate our children's feelings, support their development, and provide a nurturing environment. We are better able to offer emotional support, as we can draw upon our own experiences, to guide and connect with our children. 

Dr Daniel Siegel, renowned American psychiatrist, offers hope, by reminding us that the most important thing is not what happened to you, but how you make sense of your experiences. Given the neuroplasticity of the brain, if we are able to look at our experiences and interior world, and know ourselves and others better, we can change the structure and function of the brain.  This leads to a more integrated self, which allows us to be more flexible and adaptive.  This offers us a life that is richer and more vital, and, importantly, the ability to provide a different parenting legacy for our children.