Teresa’s Story.
A mother of two young boys.

“I just felt sad those first few months” remembers Teresa, a mother of two young boys, as she reflects on having her first baby at 25 years old. The reality of having her first child was nothing like she imagined, “the birth was very traumatizing, and when he finally came out, I was hoping for, and expecting ‘love at first sight’. From what everyone said, you should have an ‘instant connection’ to your baby. And I think I was expecting that, it was like I’d talked myself into it – ‘you’re going to have that bond straight away, you’re going to love him endlessly’, but it just didn’t happen like that”. Teresa recalls lying in her hospital bed watching her partner with their baby, “and I remember feeling really; I don’t know if jealous is the right word. I felt sad and I don’t know if it was the traumatic birth, or just the change”. Looking back Teresa says “I don’t know if I was ready for it... just the first few months of my baby’s life was like – almost like – take him back!  It was so hard”.

From this new perspective as a young mother, Teresa started to reflect on her own childhood, and relationship with her mother.   

Her Samoan mother, and European father,  worked hard to raise their family, with her mother often working night shifts at the airport.  

“I remember asking mum for a hug and she didn’t give me one ... and I always remember that.  She would get up at 3.00 in the morning and be getting ready for work in the bathroom upstairs, and I would hear her and hop out of bed and watch her get ready. And I was only 5 or 6 or younger, and I remember just sitting in the lounge watching her get ready, and then she’d say goodbye – saying ‘cuddle, quick cuddle’ and then she’s up the drive and I’d be standing at the window watching the car go. I always wondered before having kids, why did I get up in the middle of the night, and want to be around mum getting ready for work – why? And now that I’ve had kids, I think the reason why, is because I missed her – because she was hardly there and I wanted the affection, but she just wasn’t as affectionate as I wanted, and was always tired. As she looks back Teresa says, “I think deep down she wanted to be more maternal, and motherly with me, but didn’t know how. And it is not until I had kids that I’ve worked that out, and it’s painful”.

Teresa’s growing awareness of the link between her early experiences, and behaviour as a parent, has helped her be more responsive to her children’s emotional needs. 

When her son cried as a baby, Teresa’s mother advised her to leave him to cry to sleep, and she thought, ‘I can’t do that to my kid, he’s screaming and crying for me – I’ll just stay with him. He wants to be attached to me’. And even though my son was hard (work), I just couldn’t do that”.

As psychologists we know that a strong predictor of effective parenting, is having a “cohesive narrative” of our early experiences; that is, the ability to make sense of our past.  This is crucial because our childhood experiences, influence our parenting, and having children, can trigger unresolved issues, and unhelpful beliefs, that can be detrimental to our parenting role. A deep understanding of our own story is empowering. It helps us separate our own experiences from our children’s, and to understand our reactions and responses, in the context of our relationship with them.