Katie’s Story.
The single mother of a 9 year old boy.

“Don’t get me wrong, there’s amazing experiences and joy that you get through parenting, but it’s really hard too”, reflects Katie, a single mother of a 9 year old boy: “Prior to becoming a parent, I think it would have been really helpful to have done some more work on myself, because I think there are things that have been triggered and reflected back to me, through becoming a parent. As you grow up,  you leave behind the experiences you had (as a child) and you don’t think too much about what happened before. It’s not until you have a child, that the light is shone back on those things – because you are parenting from those experiences. And then you reflect on things like, ‘I don’t want to do that because that’s how I was parented, and I didn’t like that’. So it starts to bring things up, and challenges you in how you go forward. I think it especially comes up for me, when my son shows challenging behaviours that I find really difficult to handle or manage. I think I try to understand where my reaction comes from and it is not until I unpack it later, that it often reflects back on things that I’d experienced as a child”.

“But it is really hard to unpack, because I think some stuff you experienced, is locked away, and then you don’t understand why you’re feeling so triggered by your child’s behaviour.

So you’re kind of forced into a situation where you’re navigating what’s going on for your child, but in reality you need to unpack what’s going on for yourself as well”. 

“I think, for me as a child, there was always pressure about ‘getting it right’ and ‘doing the right thing’.  My upbringing was quite strict – how you were supposed to behave, how you’re supposed to be,  you have to do good all the time - get a good job and be educated – all these things that are kind of programmed into you about how your life needs to be mapped out, and what’s acceptable. And I think when I had my child, I started to question some of these things and think about the decisions I was making. Even about his daycare;  what environment do I want for him? Do I want a structured learning environment, and so on”. But out in public, thoughts about the right way to behave would intrude, especially when Katie’s son’s behaviour was inappropriate: “I’d think, whose watching and how do I manage this? 

And then I would try to say to myself, what’s more important is how he is, and what he needs in this moment from me”. 

Katie remembers a situation at the supermarket, when her son was about three or four, and had just had a tantrum and was lying on the floor. She was trying to gently pick him up and get him going, and a lady came up to her and asked if she was OK, and did she need help: “I was like – no – it’s fine. And I was really taken aback as it seemed to me that she thought there was a problem that needed to be fixed … I guess I felt judged … but I was letting him have this moment and just gently carrying on, without reacting. And it kind of reinforced the fact that I worry that people are watching and judging. But in that moment, I felt good that I’ve learned enough that I can stand up for myself as a parent and for my child…to actually know that what I am doing is the right thing for my son, as it is really important for kids to feel seen and heard. When you’re growing up and being told you have to do something a certain way all the time, and you have to be good, and people are watching, it squashes your whole reason, your whole individuality”.

Since becoming a parent, Katie has reflected deeply on the kind of parent she wants to be, and strongly values presence and connection with her son. It has taken her time to develop the confidence that her parenting approach feels right for her, and her son: “it’s OK for kids to be around and part of what is going on, versus wanting them to be ‘seen and not heard’ “. She knows now that the focus on always doing the ‘right thing’, and being ‘good’ is not in line with her values as a parent: “it’s like in that situation at the supermarket, I’m not going to mop this up, and make him stop, and make it all look OK”.

Katie's narrative underscores the complex interplay between a parent's own upbringing, social influences, and parenting behaviors.

Her realization that her own upbringing had influenced her parenting approach, resonates with research in developmental psychology, particularly influenced by the work of Diana Baumrind. Baumrind's parenting styles theory identifies four parenting types: authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and neglectful. Katie's description of her strict upbringing fits with an authoritarian parenting style, characterized by a parent having high demands of their child, coupled with low responsiveness to them. Becoming a parent has caused Katie to examine her own reactions and consider how her past experiences were influencing her reactions, and highlighted for her the need to address unresolved issues from her own childhood to adopt a more adaptive parenting style, that was best suited to her values, and her son’s own unique needs.