Jono’s Story.
The father of two adult sons.

“I guess the way he dealt with things could be called abusive”. Jono is describing his father, who was a hard-nosed man and a ‘real bloke’. His way of raising children was to be very hard on his us: “and I found when raising my own two boys, that I was repeating my own experience of being raised. However, that got me into a lot of trouble, and it probably went on for some years longer than it should have done. I forgot that they were children, and I was the adult”.

“I didn’t get love from my father. And what that led to, as I got older, was that I had a real lack of respect for him, which was a shame because I didn’t really know him”. Equally, Jono’s father: “couldn’t quite work me out, or understand me. It was also the fact that I pushed back against my father and held him at arm’s length, because of my experiences with him as a child. I knew what he was capable of, you know. So I didn’t want to be exposed to that”. 

History was repeating itself in Jono’s relationship with his sons:  “but it took some time for the penny to drop – to understand what it was all about”. 

The consequence of Jono’s way of parenting was that his boys lived somewhat in fear of him, and as they got older: “they started to develop their own personalities, and started to push back”. Jono realised that he needed help to find a better way of being a parent: “I sought professional help, but that old way of dealing with things kept sneaking back in, as it took me a while to correct my way of thinking, of dealing with things – and all of a sudden these young children had become young men. I realised how important it was to repair the damage that had been done, and how important it was for me to have a relationship with them”.

Jono’s father believed that the most important role for a father, was to be the provider, and worked long hours in his own business. This modelling, during Jono’s childhood, strongly influenced his own idea of how a father should be. It took professional help, and a lot of reflection, to understand how his own childhood experiences, and his perception of fatherhood, had impacted on his relationship with his children: “I’ve pulled everything apart and put it back together. I think it is still important to provide for your family, and give direction, but I think love and warmth is the biggest thing. Also, understanding your children’s different personalities, and working out a way of dealing with them, showing healthy ways of dealing with things, and not having a total focus on being the provider”. 

In recent years, Jono has developed a close and loving relationship with both his sons. But it required both Jono and his older son, in particular, to take the risk of opening up to each other about their relationship. For Jono: “it was the best thing that happened” but was also tinged with some sadness, as it was not something he was ever able to do with his father. For Jono’s son: “that day changed my life forever”. By Jono simply taking responsibility for his actions, and acknowledging that his children, in those difficult moments of parenting, just needed him to be the adult, was a profound healing experience for his son. By connecting on an emotional level, both came to understand that they had much in common: “I realised that my reactions to my children were exactly like my father’s towards me, and my eldest son’s reaction towards me, in particular, as he held me at arm’s length, was the same as my behaviour towards my father.  It was like history was repeating itself. Dad didn’t know how to deal with me – and I didn’t know how to deal with my son.”

Jono's story portrays the profound impact of intergenerational patterns of parenting and the psychological consequences it can have on parent-child relationships.

Research in developmental psychology, particularly influenced by the work of John Bowlby, emphasizes the importance of early parent-child attachments and how these relationships shape future interactions and attachment styles. Jono's experiences illustrate the perpetuation of a negative parenting cycle, as he found himself replicating his father's harsh approach with his own sons. He recognized the need to break this cycle and create a more nurturing and supportive environment for his children. Jono and his son’s journey of healing, and improved parent-child relationships, illustrates the principles of attachment theory, where responsive and emotionally attuned parenting lays the foundation for healthy emotional development and secure attachments in children. Not only does this story remind us of the powerful impact of past experiences on parenting, but illustrates the transformative potential of parental self-awareness,  where ruptures to parent-child relationships have the potential to be repaired at any age.