Jane’s Story.
The mother of two teenage sons.

“Poor kid. He’s in the wrong family“ considers Jane. “I just can’t believe I thought that my kids would have the same personality as my husband and I. One of our sons is really different to us, but it took years to figure it out. I just thought if you had two super social and relaxed people, as parents, then surely your kids would be quite similar to that. But no! They have these other genes flowing around”.

It took Jane a number of years to understand her son - “I wish I’d worked it out way earlier as it would have saved a lot of stress. But finally, when he was 8 or 9 years old, I saw a book about introverts that was just sitting on a friend’s table. I just picked it up as I thought it would be interesting to read, and I thought, oh my god, this is actually my kid, we actually have an introvert. And this is what, pushing him into social situations, with lots of people he doesn’t know, makes him feel like. It’s like we had always wondered out loud to each other, whether there was something wrong with him”.

Jane describes the relief in finally “seeing” her son for the first time, and how this new insight into his personality made his behaviour, and emotions, finally make sense to her.

And she now understood, “that actually, it’s fine to be an introvert. That’s not a bad thing”. She was able to use this new information to adjust her parenting, and expectations of her son, to meet his specific emotional needs – she started giving him choices about how to socialize, instead of pushing him into social situations that stressed him - “and when he was able to have a choice, it would mean that everyone was happy”.

Although Jane and her husband socialize frequently, they also enjoy spending time outdoors, which she now realizes is her son’s happy place - “he would be really happy to go on a bush walk on his own, or with just one other person, because he loves being in nature, and he likes the quiet. My husband and I would be like, how can that be fun walking on your own, and not wanting to always be with your friends, but you know, socialising is just not where he gets his joy”.

Acceptance of their son’s different way of being, has been more challenging for Jane’s husband to understand, and has created a dilemma “about how to parent this kid that is different to us – two very social people, with a kid that’s not really social at all”. Jane acknowledges the strain that a relationship can experience, “when you can’t agree or can’t quite figure out how to parent a tricky kid”. Her husband believes that if you don’t put people in situations in which they are slightly uncomfortable, they will never ever learn (to cope). “I still get confused about who is right and who is wrong; my husband is keener to push our son outside his comfort zone, and I’m a bit more protective perhaps. So, it’s a massive work in progress”. For herself, however, Jane had always wanted to understand what caused her son to be so anxious in certain situations, “but I never really figured it out, until that book”.

This story raises the psychological concept of a child “being seen” by their significant others; usually parents or caregivers.

This is an important process in a child’s early development and refers to the experience of a child feeling acknowledged, understood, and valued by others, who recognise and validate their emotional experiences, thoughts and individuality, without judgement or rejection. To do this as a parent or caregiver, we need to pay attention to our children, in an attuned and empathic manner. To be truly seen, has profound implications for a child’s sense of security, authenticity, self-worth, and identity formation. Most importantly, it is a hallmark of secure attachment relationships, which are so central to a child’s emotional, and psychological wellbeing, and social development.